Unhooking from Fear: Finding your Freedom
When those rare fall days in Vancouver arrive, when the sun breaks through and warmth ripples through the cool air, you know you’ve got to get outside. Yesterday was one of those days. After seeing clients, I knew the best way to shift into my evening with the kids was to hop on my bike, feel the sun on my face, and release some tension. But just as I was about to embrace the moment, fear crept louder, saying, “What if you crash?”
That fear wasn’t random. One year ago, on a day just like this, I had set out for a quick ride, only to end up in the ER with a broken nose, concussion, and fractured ankle after a cat ran under my front wheel. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my accident had hooked the joy of fall cycling into the fear of getting hurt.
When this emotion bubbled up, I tried to chase it away with strong words: “Stop being so silly. You’re not going to crash again. You can’t waste this perfect day,” I thought. But pushing against the fear only made those feelings of friction and the voice in my head grow stronger. I reached out to a few friends, hoping someone could join me. No luck. If I were going to enjoy this day, I would have to find my way through the discomfort alone. I was going to have to untangle those "away thoughts"—the fear of another crash —from the "toward thoughts” —the excitement and freedom promised by a fall ride in the sunshine.
In my sexual health coaching practice, I help clients with a similar process. Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we work together to “unhook” from unhelpful thoughts. Many of my clients have linked pleasure to pain or intimacy to failure due to their personal past experiences. The longer we tell the story, the harder it becomes for us to unhook from them. Our stories eventually become our truth. In this case, the work involves unwinding narratives, past experiences and even trauma.
Yesterday, I had to confront my own story. My fear wasn’t just about a bike crash but permitting myself to enjoy something I loved without guilt. Once I understood that, I could start working through it.
So, with my last session wrapped up, I took a deep breath, queued up my favourite playlist, put on my gear, pumped my tires, and headed out. The first kilometres were tough as tears welled up and memories of the crash flooded back, but I let the fear flow through me. As I biked further, something shifted. I ran into my son on his scooter, and when I told him I was a bit scared, he smiled and said, “Just go have fun in the sun, Mom.”
That simple moment was all I needed to push past the final resistance. The fear lifted, and the rest of the ride was pure peace and connection.
In my work with clients, I guide them through a similar process to unhook from fear, shame, and negative beliefs.
Here are the four steps we use in session:
1. Identify the belief behind the fear.
Fear often stems from a more profound feeling of unworthiness or unsafeness. Unhooking from this belief is the first step in reducing pain and conflicting emotions attached to it.
You can’t release fear without acknowledging the discomfort it causes in your body. Let yourself feel it—this is part of healing.
3. Find a new supportive belief.
You can’t control the triggers around you, but you can control your response. Find a belief that aligns with your desires and reminds you that you are safe.
4. Repeat the process as often as needed.
Changing old patterns takes time. Each time you go through this process, you strengthen your ability to release fear.
Unhooking from fear isn’t just about avoiding negative experiences—it’s about allowing yourself to live fully and freely. For my clients who struggle with fear of intimacy, this process is vital to rediscovering the connection and pleasure they long for without fear or judgment holding them back.
BONUS:
Below is one of my favourite meditations that soothes me when I feel overwhelmed by fear. I hope you like it too!
https://youtu.be/1OD3ZkadRy4?si=3dL6ub7zN5oshki8
